Monday, July 23, 2012


I know its late and I am usually more organized than this but I had a bit of an off day yesterday and it crept in to today. I have been having a bit of trouble lately getting motivated and something happened yesterday that threw me for a loop.

Let me start at the beginning: In April I ended a four year relationship with the only man my Little Man has known as a father figure.  Little Man's biological father has never been in the picture and when I met the man he now calls dad I was so happy.  I thought for sure he was 'the one' I allowed him into our small family and let him get close to both of us.  As a single parent I am very guarded with who meets my son.  Its just easier that way.

Unfortunately things didn't work out in this fairy tale and I had to end it. It was mutual however I was forced to be the bad guy and be the one to walk away.  In the end we were both so unhappy that it was a huge relief when it was finally over. I was literally walking on air when it was finally finished because I felt I could be myself again and finally realized how much I had been brought down in the end.

Fast forward a couple of months and reality hit.  It hit hard. I realized that I was 32 and no closer to an actual grown up relationship and although I had been in a relationship for 4 years I was no less lonely. The relationship was a long distance one and I spent most of the time alone. Regardless of being alone I had still lost my best friend. My boyfriend was the one I shared everything with and truly thought of him as my best friend.

When June hit I went into a depression.  I could feel it coming on and tried my hardest to not fall victim to it but eventually I got tired of fighting it and just went with it.  I literally didn't leave the house for days. I tried my hardest to be as happy as possible for the little man but I just couldn't bring myself to leaving the house and going back into society.

Finally about a week ago some friends came over and started to rally around me and forced me out of the house.  Knowing I had great friends to stand behind me I felt like I could do it and pull through.  That is when fate starting throwing things at me.

First my mom calls me from the store and tells me how she saw my high school boyfriend and his new wife and kids. If that wasn't bad enough in my lonely state she has to go on and on about how she wished I had married him.  Fine fate is cruel I told myself go ahead remind me about being a spinster forever I will try and move on.  But then Sunday happened.

I decided that it was time to leave the house again and do something. Since it has been warm here I decided to take the Little Man to the swim center. We met our very good friends who have two girls the same age as the little man. 

While we were I saw a man I have been waiting almost 7 years to see again.  It was an old boyfriend, but not just any old boyfriend, the old boyfriend. The one that I always thought I would end up with. The one I loved the most out of any boy I had ever known. And who was he with? That's right his wife and kids.

But that is not the worst part, the worst part was where he pretended he didn't really remember me.  I guess he was trying to play it cool for the wife but it was devastating to me that I couldn't at least hug him Hello.  I thought great why is fate throwing me being alone in my face again.

We left the swim center after a full day of swimming and I thought "That's it I'm taking to the house again and possibly the bed." Because how can one person endure so many slaps like this. I feel so alone and here I keep seeing people I was once happy with happy with someone else.

I started really deeply thinking about why I saw this man and why the other boyfriend came back into my life at this particular time. They both live very close to me so how was it that I hadn't ever seen them before.  Then it hit me, something just clicked inside.

I didn't see these men because fate wanted to rub in my face that I was alone, I was being shown that these doors were closed to me.  I had always tucked both these men in the back of my mind as back up plans. You know if nothing else worked out I would be reunited with either one of these guys.

I have realized now that this isn't my Destiny.  These men didn't work out because that's not how my life is supposed to turn out. Honestly when I figured this out it was such a relief. 

The second I figured out that the door was closed on my past I felt as if the door to my future and my Destiny opened up before me. I really feel now like something great is going to happen for me, even if it's not a man. Maybe being single is what I am supposed to be, but if it is there is a reason for it and soon I will find that reason.

Its also freeing to realize that there is a plan for me and to know that there is nothing I can do to hurry it up. No amount of stressing or wanting it to happen sooner will make it happen.  The door is open for me, now I just have to walk through it.

Open Door


Post a Comment